When it rains sometimes it snows.

This is the current Doppler radar. See the white? Ordinarily I'd be thrilled, ecstatic even at the prospect of snow but today is not my day for it . Mostly because all that pretty white is forecast to turn ugly pink over night.

This brings every Arkansas to a single question, "Where were you during the 1999 Christmas ice storm?"

I was at my parent's house watching Katie repeatedly fall down in the middle of our street while we were watching the tree branches begin to break in our neighborhood. My dad lives in old Conway, otherwise known as the land of the killer trees (see http://musicfangirl.blogspot.com/2006/08/killer-trees.html), so the destruction was terrible and total. We had no power for ten days, it took three just to remove enough trees from a yard that we could get out of our driveway. It was cold and dark and I learned that I really depend on cable television and the Internet. I also learned that when you HAVE to shower by candle light it quickly loses all of it's charm.

So here we are again. The Weather Channel is calling for a 70% chance of freezing rain/rain over night and into tomorrow. I'm not excited. I don't mind cold, I don't mind snow. In fact, I LOVE snow, it reminds me of being a kid growing up in Littleton Colorado. This crap with the ice...not so fun.

I'm back to watching the local weather. Good luck all, I hope none of you lose power, that none of you have to drive, and that none of you have any need to go to Wal-Mart tonight as we all know it will be packed with panicked people buying up all the bread and milk.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

I am trying to be good.

This is a general, all-purpose statement that easily covers any number of areas in my life. For example I am trying to be good with the money I earn. I am trying to be a good daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend. I am trying to be a good writer. I am trying to become a good cook (this is sporadic as I will cook for a week then revert back to Lean Cuisine for a month or so).

But today this about eating. I am trying to be good. I am trying to resist the temptation of delicious catered lunches provided by generous and kind drug reps who really WANT to feed me fajitas and lasagna. I am trying to avoid walking across the long bridge to the VA where I can buy soda and popcorn and candy and other things that are NOT GOOD.

Seriously though, I'm willing to lay it all out here. I have no will-power. None, nil, zero. In my head I know that I will be happier, healthier, thinner, more energetic if I eat my Kashi Go-Lean cereal for lunch every day and walk on my breaks. I am an intelligent person, I know that toffee bars and anything dripping in cheese is not good for me but that does not seem to change the fact that what I want most in the world is chocolate and fresh tortilla chips from Los Amigos.

Today, however, I am trying to be good. If that works out I'll try again tomorrow. I am done being on a diet. Whenever I decide that I am on a diet I inevitably fall off my diet. Instead I'm just going to try one day at a time to be a little better.

Friday.

"In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."
-Douglas Adams

I wonder if other bloggers ever have a hard time deciding what to actually blog about. I don't have kids and my family might murder me in my sleep if I wrote about them. Actually, come to think of it they might anyway.

I think the thing that is difficult is I try to stay away from three things;
1. Blogging about things that annoy me, I don't want to spend all my time bitching.
2. Politics and religion. These are things I feel are intensely personal, not something I want to offer for public commentary.
3. Work. I'm here enough already, why spend more time talking about it.

The problem with this is it takes about 85% of normal topics out of play. I suppose I could talk more about my cats, but I don't want to become the crazy cat lady.

So, instead of wasting time I suppose I'll get back to work. Sigh.

we started recreational. it ended kinda medical.

Last night I watched American Idol while I wrote. I don't usually watch it, in fact other than a few episodes of the "audition" stage I've never actually seen the show. There are reasons, mainly I hate "reality" tv and add that to the fact that I listen to almost no mainstream music anymore I'm just not all that interested. Last night, however, I was too lazy to untangle the wires to my earphones so I could listen to my ipod and I was waiting for the Australian Open to come on.

I also did such exciting things as fold laundry and iron clothing so Chris and I didn't have to come to work naked. It really makes me wonder when I settled into being so old. I'm pretty sure there was a time when I was fun and had endless amounts of energy that I squandered away. Most nights I look back on my "wild" years and wonder if what I remember of them is true or if it's all an alcohol-laden hallucination. Seems like I danced a lot and mostly had fun.

Now going out for the evening with girlfriends takes weeks of careful planning and juggling schedules. We never just call each other on a Saturday afternoon and set vague plans such as, "Hey, let's go out somewhere. Pick me up around nine."

Nine? That's when I'm ENDING my nights out now.

So, I'm trying to remind myself why it's good that I'm older. Stable job, decent income, terrific boyfriend, a nice car, a nice house, money to go out when I want....oh damn. Maybe it's time to save up and travel, go overseas, get a terrible photo to use for a passport. Maybe I'll go visit Dan (who lives in the Philippines now).

Hmm...maybe I'll finish my book first.

Maybe.

What you once were isn't what you want to be anymore.

"Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk."
-'Northern Exposure'

I'll preface this post with this statement, it was not a good weekend. I'll continue the preface with another statement, the weekend is over.

Chris finally got his Christmas present Sunday (see picture). I won't go on and on about how fun it is or how even a hand-eye coordination deprived person such as myself can play it. Instead, can I mention how cute it is. The packaging and the tiny console and sleek modern styling reminds me very much of an ipod. For once we have an electronic device I don't mind sitting in my living room. Anyway, it's arrival Sunday was a small gift of sanity in an otherwise insane weekend.

I've gotten past my mood on Friday, thankfully. Maybe sometimes you need something truly bad to happen so you remember to appreciate the good things even when they are small. For example the Decemberists announced a show in Memphis in April. This works out so perfectly for me as I can go see a band I love and it will also work as Megan's 21st birthday gift. We'll take her to her first real show, stay at a nice hotel downtown Memphis and take her out to a few bars so she can buy drinks. Ah, to be 21 again...or maybe not.

I'm planning to buy some film and try my hand at some more photos this week. I'll let everyone know so they can go and visit my flickr.

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart Through A Pinhole.

I am in rare form today, a nice mixture of irritable and sad and bored and anxious. This may, in fact, be what it feels like to be crazy. I have days like this, days when my mind won't land on any one thing. There are reasons, probably many.

I'll start with the funeral. Saturday I'll attend the funeral of one of my favorite patients. The thing here is, everyone KNEW this would eventually happen. He was terminally ill from the time he was born with Cystic Fibrosis and yet he managed to live an amazingly long thirty-six years. He was funny and moody and sarcastic, we loved him in our clinic. For the past five years I've looked forward to seeing him once a week. It's difficult to find words to express what I feel, how terrible this sadness is and how unfair that someone so wonderful would have to die. I have no answer to this, nothing in my life holds answers or comfort.

There are other things, most incredibly less important that are also on my mind. There are things I read every day that terrify and sadden me, that make me question the kindness and decency and intelligence of people. I am loathe to mention specifics as I fear that there would be a depressing amount of backlash from people with small, dark minds. Let me say this though, it amazes me the things people will do under the guise of being a "good" person. I don't think most people have any idea what that is anymore or where to find it.

Lastly, let me say this. It has not snowed. It won't snow this weekend. I'm beginning to believe it will never snow again. By the time I have children and they are my age Arkansas will be a tropical rain forest and they will have to travel to Antarctica to ever see real snow. How sad.

I'll come back on Monday in a better mood.

It's Only Rock and Roll but I Like It.

"Rock and roll means well, but it can't help tellin' young boys lies."
-"Marry Me", Drive-By Truckers

I am not a video game player. I have no hand-eye coordination and tend to panic when something unexpected pops up on the screen. Despite being born smack in the midst of the video game generation I'm pretty much a failure at actually playing them.

That is, until now. Meet "Guitar Hero II". It is played with a real faux-guitar (see photo above), sort of an interactive game where you score extra points for doing "rock star" moved with your faux-guitar. It is seriously fun. I have played until my finger on my left hand has literally gone numb...which is a problem I plan of consulting my physician about.

I'm not saying I'm gifted at this game, I'm just saying it's fun. You stand up and follow the "notes" on the tv screen and its work, you will actually sweat playing this. Other people actually enjoy watching you play, unlike all those mindless first person shooter games. It's just fun.

Even more excited than I am about "Guitar Hero" is how excited I am about the Wii. Hopefully we will have one this weekend and it is so similarly interactive I know I will enjoy playing it. Sure, I'll never be good at "Super Mario Brothers", but I can play the guitar so who cares.

Take a Break Driver 8

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."
-Dave Barry

I am a commuter, driving from Conway to Little Rock and back again daily. Along the route there have recently been planted a series of electronic highway signs designed to alert drivers to changing road and traffic conditions. You know, something like "Yes you are driving a four-wheel drive pickup but it is clearly snowing and you are rapidly approaching an extremely icy bridge. Slow your stupid ass down before you skid and take out the nice people in the minivan next to you."
Okay, they actually say things like "Warning, traffic slowing ahead" and "Drive Safely: Buckle UP!" Still, the general intent is there. Slowly there is also an approaching construction project which will widen interstate 40 to three lanes each direction. This gives me migraine headaches just thinking about it. I can only imagine the utter chaos that will ensue for the duration of said construction.
Anyway, new snazzy high-tech signs. Look for them, but please only if you are in the passenger seat.

Bright Copper Kettles

We had a kettle; we let it leak:
Our not repairing made it worse.
We haven't had any tea for a week...
The bottom is out of the Universe.
-Rudyard Kipling

We do things for comfort. Seek the arms of a loved one, call a friend or sibling, shed our clothing for the solace of a bathtub full of bubbles, and drink. I suppose I do a little of all of these things, but my emotional crutch is a cup of hot tea.
I moved from coffee to tea due to health reasons originally, in a foot-dragging self-pitying sort of way. I would walk by a co worker's desk and smell their coffee and fall into a bout of longing and sorrow for my missed caffeine and rich coffee goodness. I would walk by the Starbucks in Target and sigh, thinking of the Pumpkin Spice Latte I so badly wanted.
Then, I got onto my organic kick. I told myself that recycling everything in my house wasn't ecological friendly enough, that there had to be more. While wandering the isles of my local Wal-Mart looking for the little green "organic!" tags I found tea. I bought it, brought it home and brewed a cup for work the next morning.
Now I use tea for a little boost in the morning, as a soother in the evening, as a source of warmth (should we ever experience cold weather). I've found my favorite is traditional black tea blends, the herbals and green tea not particularly to my liking. My current favorite is Tazo Awake!
Now, if I can only stick for a few days to my diet...

The Words I Write Own Me

"Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."
-E.L. Doctorow

I am mostly an aspiring or failed writer, depending on how you look at it. I start writing, fall in love with an idea, begin to question it, learn to hate it, and discard it half started or half finished. Somehow, I always assumed that real writers knew the progression of a book before they sat down to write, that the ending was a clear as the first sentence, neatly filled in with the events between.
Perhaps this misconception stems from writing papers in college. You are taught to outline your ideas, create a thesis statement and arrange the entire paper to fall nicely into that single thought. No matter how I tried, I could not outline fiction. I would try, then somewhere in the process of writing out the words my characters would mutiny, taking over the story and leading it into directions I never intended.
My most recent endeavor, I've given total control to the story. I planned carefully for the first sentence then released the creative process. Strange and unexpected events have occurred, the characters look nothing like I imagined with strong personalities I don't always like. It's working out amazingly well. Words flow onto paper (yes, I'm hand writing it first...my brain works better that way), and although I've had to have a long, stern talk with myself about work ethic and putting in appropriate hours, there's beginning to be hope.
I have no real thought beyond finishing the book. I'm assuming there is a long and complicated process to finding an agent and a publisher...if you've written something worth publishing in the first case.
Now, off to write.

The Winter of Our Discontent

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring."
-Rogers Hornsby, major league baseball player from 1915 to 1937.

In the winter there should be snow. This is a fact, in Colorado no respectable winter would drift through January with 50 degree tempatures and only occasional rain and thunderstorms to break the monotony. Without snow, January is merely a prelude to spring, which leads my mind to crisp green fields and pristine white bases placed symetrically 90 feet apart.

I did not grow up a baseball fan. Perhaps because Colorado did not have a major league baseball team until after I moved away, perhaps because my father was a football fan deep in his soul. In my twenties I was introduced and immediately hated the game. Slow, boring, complicated. Baseball was to football like watching a sink drip was to standing at the ocean shore.

Obviously, I've since changed my mind. Slowly I learned the intricacies of the game, the difference between a curve ball and a slider, the heart-stopping excitement of a runner making the turn to third on a line drive. Pedestrian baseball fans, those at a game more for the beer and hot dogs than the game, over-rate the home run ball, overlook the quiet thrill of a pitcher's duel.

This winter, I read Moneyball by Michael Lewis. I could go on and on, rising my fists in disgust towards the owners of my beloved and pathetic Cubs. I could sing the praises of Billy Beene, his willingness to buck the old system and look for something more scientific in the approach to selecting players. I could, but I won't. Instead I'll offer this, learn the game. Buy Baseball for Idiots and sit through your nephew's little league games. Buy scorecards and keep score, learning the measure of an out and a walk. Study it like a philosophy and a science. I promise, if you understand it you'll be hooked. Then, when you make that fall choose a team worthy of your love, choose the Oakland Athletics. I wish someone had told me too.

So This is the New Year

That's right, I'm back. My new year's resolutions, while many and complicated, include blogging regularly. So we'll start out with a recap of last year.

2006

I didn't travel unless Memphis counts.

I wrecked my truck at 4:30 in the morning by hitting a deer, am no longer a big fan of deer.

I saw four great bands, Wilco, Okkerville River, The Hold Steady (twice!), and The Drive-By Truckers.

I took an entire week of vacation for the first time in five years, didn't do anything but hit a deer on my way home from the Hold Steady show in Memphis.

Began writing a book.

Decided the book was absolute crap.

Started another book...may finish it as it is less crap.

Finally hung pictures in my bedroom and bought a rug (it's green and cream argyle!) after two years in our house.

Started a blog and a myspace page...have been spotty with both.

Voted. Felt good about it, am thinking about getting back into political work for the next elections.

Learned to love a good red wine, gave up beer entirely.

And to end up, a little narcissism.

Best ten new albums of 2006:

10. Robbers & Cowards-by the Cold War Kids
09. Okonokos-by My Morning Jacket
08. Putting the Days to Bed-by the Long Winters
07. Black Sheep Boy-by Okkerville River
06. A Blessing and a Curse-by the Drive-By Truckers
05. Old 97's Live-by the Old 97's
04. Everything All the Time-by Band of Horses
03. Fox Confessor Brings the Flood-by Neko Case
02. Boys and Girls in America-by The Hold Steady
01. The Crane Wife-by the Decemberists

Happy New Year!