On falling...

Today I fell at work. Oh, wait, before you feel bad for me you might want to read the rest.

Today I fell at work, but only AFTER someone asked me if I was pregnant. That's right, I not only had the opportunity to give my favorite fake smile and say, "Nope, I'm just fat but thanks for asking" but I also slipped on a puddle of water and fell. Of course there were witnesses, how could you think otherwise?

This brings me to contemplate humiliation today.

Webster says this:
hu·mil·i·ate Pronunciation: hyü-'mi-lE-"; Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing:
to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others'.

Webster also adds this helpful link: mortify
mor·ti·fy Pronunciation: 'mor-t&-"fI; Form(s): -fied; -fy·
1 obsolete : to destroy the strength, vitality, or functioning of
2 : to subdue or deaden (as the body or bodily appetites) especially by abstinence or self-inflicted pain or discomfort
3 : to subject to severe and vexing embarrassment.

I think definition #3 is what we are looking for.

The thing is, usually my weight only bothers me as a health issue. I mean, I don't stand in front of my mirror cursing my ugliness or anything. Even worse, I've actually been losing weight for the past two months. I bought a bicycle, joined a gym, have been eating better. So, you see, I was actually feeling pretty good about myself.
I'll bounce back, I have an over-abundance of self-esteem, but still I have to wonder if sometimes the universe doesn'tembarrassmentarrasment as a little reminder. You know, like "hey, you, time to remember what it's like to be one of the little people". Oh, and one other thing, best way to fight Webster's mortification is laughter; if you can laugh at yourself than just about everything will seem a little less embarrassing. Luckily, today I'm a laughing alot.

Here comes trouble.

"...society honors its living conformists and its dead troublemakers."

-Mignon Mclaughlin

I am not a conformist.

I have a little "Quote of the Day" calander, the kind where you tear off a page every day and get a new quote. This is my quote for today and my first question to myself was, "Self, am I a conformist or a trouble maker?" After not a whole lot of soul serching (I'm not particularly prone to soul searching) I came up with the answer that I am definately not a conformist.
So, am I a trouble maker? The answer is yes, but you reader are one too. Okay, maybe you think your aren't. Maybe you do everything right, maybe you are a good spouce, a good child, a good parent, a good citizen. Maybe you do whatever it is that to you makes a good person, go to church, recycle, volunteer, or whatever. The thing is, to someone or some society you are still a trouble maker.
I am an avid environmentalist. I believe in nature, I believe that nature knows what is best for humans not the other way around. I buy organic food and organic cotton clothing (which you can buy at Wal-Mart, so I'm not wearing crazy hippie clothes). I carpool to work and here is where my example begins to make sence. To big industry, say the oil companies, I AM a trouble maker. Sure, it would probably seem to most people that less polution is a good thing, but the oil companies want me to buy more gas and to drive a larger SUV.
Okay, I admit I'm also somewhat of a more traditional trouble maker. I question everything. I don't believe a lot. I have absolute positions on certian issues, which I will not share in such a public forum. I enjoy poking the belly of the beast.
So here's my thought for the day. Maybe we NEED to be trouble makers. Maybe without the trouble makers the hard changes would never happen. Think the women's suffrage movement and civil rights. Trouble makers move society, any society. The key is to cause trouble that brings the right kinds of results, I think.

Long stories short...

"Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them."-John Updike

In college I took a psychology class and learned that having vivid dreams is often a symptom of psychosis. Before that, as a child in church, my pastor said that dreams were the way our hearts communicated to us our wishes and fears. Now, years removed from either of those explanations I wonder if they are both a little right.

I don't dream about being a fireman or of marrying a prince anymore, and I suppose this is a loss caused by the aging process. Now I dream the little adult dreams; I dream about the pretty two-story yellow house on Wingfield across the street from Hendrix College, about paying off my car and using the extra money to take a cruise, about losing all my extra pounds and buying cute little summer dresses. But these are small dreams, attainable dreams, dreams that are really just plans waiting for the time when I decide to fulfill them.

As adults, do we lose the ability to dream vividly? Do we surplant our dreams with common sense? Do we tell ourselves that thinking about the impossible just shouldn't be done?

I dream of publishing a book, one I write with my name on the glossy cover. I do, I admit it. It's a big dream, one that may be no more attainable than marrying a prince (I'm pretty sure Murray isn't hiding a secret about being Belgium royalty or something like that). Something like 30,000 query letters are sent to literary agents every day. The math isn't good, but that's why it's a dream. Sometimes dreams do come true...just ask Cinderella.

Happy Things

I am wearing a holter monitor tonight. This is not so good as anyone with cardiological problems already knows. So, I'm taking a page from Suzanne and making a list of ten things that make me happy.

10. My cats, Winks and Foote. See photo of Foote...

9. My sweetie, Murray. He gets me. He lets me just be me and doesn't try to disect my weirdness. He introduces me to great bands and loves all things sport as much as I do. We agree on politics and disagree on movies and he ALWAYS beats me at dominoes.

8. My ipod. I love music, I live for music. I love My Morning Jacket and Spoon and The Decemberists. I cannot imagine my life without Wilco or Neko Case. There are more, so many more...and without my ipod I could not carry them all around with me.

7. Summer. I know, everyone else hates the heat, hates the opressive humidity. I love it. I love not being cold. I love the greeness of it and the yellow light as haze filters the sun.

6. Swimming. Laying in a pool just floating.

5. Halloween. I love playing dress-up. I love candy and pumpkins and the cruch of fallen leaves beneath your feet.

4. My family, because they are crazy and unpredictable and unorthodox.

3. Toenail polish. You can paint your toenails any color you want and it's like a little surprise every time you take your socks off. Today mine are glittery red.

2. Christmas. I love to give gifts. I love to surprise people by being friendly and helpfull during the hollidays while everyone else is cranky and running around like mad. I like the music and the lights and don't care if my voice isn't really good enough because I'm going to be singing "Silver Bells" in public anyway.

1. Reading.

Post on Blogging

This is my official first Blog. The funny thing is I have no idea what to say in it, so I thought I would start off with a little discussion of fate.

I am writing a blog because I stumbled on an old friend's blog. I hadn't seen Suzanne is perhaps six years, she'd just gotten married and was living in West Memphis near me. Before that we were roommates in college, ten years ago.

The question of the day has to be why we keep losing each other only to find each other again. I have a loose collection of beliefs that make up my faith, a sort of amalgamation of environmentalism, religion, social responcibility, and intelectualism. I'm admittedly uncomfortable with organized religion, although I have happy memories of growing up in the Diciples of Christ church. I don't confuse my reluctance to join a church with a lack of faith. Maybe that is why I believe in the idea that fate guides us, bringing us back to things we are meant to find.