I am in rare form today, a nice mixture of irritable and sad and bored and anxious. This may, in fact, be what it feels like to be crazy. I have days like this, days when my mind won't land on any one thing. There are reasons, probably many.
I'll start with the funeral. Saturday I'll attend the funeral of one of my favorite patients. The thing here is, everyone KNEW this would eventually happen. He was terminally ill from the time he was born with Cystic Fibrosis and yet he managed to live an amazingly long thirty-six years. He was funny and moody and sarcastic, we loved him in our clinic. For the past five years I've looked forward to seeing him once a week. It's difficult to find words to express what I feel, how terrible this sadness is and how unfair that someone so wonderful would have to die. I have no answer to this, nothing in my life holds answers or comfort.
There are other things, most incredibly less important that are also on my mind. There are things I read every day that terrify and sadden me, that make me question the kindness and decency and intelligence of people. I am loathe to mention specifics as I fear that there would be a depressing amount of backlash from people with small, dark minds. Let me say this though, it amazes me the things people will do under the guise of being a "good" person. I don't think most people have any idea what that is anymore or where to find it.
Lastly, let me say this. It has not snowed. It won't snow this weekend. I'm beginning to believe it will never snow again. By the time I have children and they are my age Arkansas will be a tropical rain forest and they will have to travel to Antarctica to ever see real snow. How sad.
I'll come back on Monday in a better mood.
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